9 Kinds of Lovers: The Twisted Version
the perfectionist
Saying: Honey, I’ve organized everything (well in advance!) and outlined the rules of engagement. Of course, I always show up on time and treat you with integrity, and it frustrates me so much that you can’t do the same. I just can’t understand why people (you!) can’t be organized, punctual, responsible and maintain the highest standards. Why can’t you have the same self-improvement drive that I have? And how could you mess up the bed like that when I’ve lined up the sheets perfectly so we can have sex in a neat and tidy environment? Do you want to be spontaneous? Sure, I can arrange that! Define the rules of the spontaneous, please.
The antidote for the perfectionist: Go ahead, get involved a little (or a lot!), and sin from time to time. You can’t always be right.
The donor
Saying: Honey, look what I did for you! Oh, it doesn’t matter if you want it or not. And now please don’t tell me you don’t want it after all the effort I’ve put in, enslaving and sacrificing myself for you. You owe me at least some appreciation for my efforts. Don’t you need my efforts? But I live to serve you!! I have no other needs than to satisfy your needs. And, of course, you owe me your time, love, and validation given all I do for you (oh yeah, turns out I have needs after all…and maybe ulterior motives…) controlling and stifling? How can you say something so cruel when all I can think about is our relationship and your needs? Why would you want your personal space after everything I do for you (even when you don’t ask for it)?
The antidote for the giver: You spend a lot of time completely alone and resist the urge to help and disrupt other people’s lives (especially your other half’s). Don’t get too entangled with the other, let him breathe and take care of himself. You take care of yourself and your needs (of which you have plenty; you are, in fact, the most needy guy of all when you are in a trance).
The winner
Saying: Honey, I spent 11 hours at the office today, of course I went to the gym afterwards, and now I’m heading to my evening business course. Oh and on my lunch break I worked on my new website project and also managed to call this cool place and arranged for a tailor to come and measure me for a new suit. Do you want to spend time with me? Well, let’s see if I can fit you into my extremely busy schedule… Oh, do you want to have sex? Sure, that can be arranged… Let’s say June 14?
Thought: Appreciate me for all the things I do, and don’t push me away from my projects (or judge me for constantly tagging me on FB so people can see me). I’m completely disgusting unless I accomplish a million things and look my best at the same time, all the time.
The antidote for the winner: Do less, procrastinate and FEEL more!!
The dreamer
Saying: Oh, I so long for that sweet yet fascinating connection, full of light yet hidden, mysterious yet revealing where a handsome prince from another land will cross the ocean and take me to the depths of the unknown, loving me passionately for who I am. I am, because of my uniqueness and talent, and he will worship my pain, and he will feel this pain, and we will merge in pain forever and live happily ever after… What is that, darling? Are you saying that you are a real person and that you love me here and now? Oh that sounds so normal, I’d rather go back to my dream. (In the meantime, it would be nice if you earned some money to pay the bills.)
Thought: I feel so unworthy, so lacking and so jealous of what others have, my own tragedy and depression and this deep feeling of abandonment overwhelms me so much that I just want to escape. I think I might cut my wrists. But first I will write a poem by which one day, after I am gone, I will finally be recognized, appreciated and loved…
The antidote for the dreamer: Be realistic! See the light and joy in the ordinary! Appreciate what you have here and now. Do not compare yourself with others and do not envy what others seem to have. Approach life in a more pragmatic way. Do more, dream less. After all, someone else has to pay the bills, and there’s nothing wrong with doing it yourself. Artists are also allowed to earn money, suffering is not their only calling.
The Thinker
Saying: Speaking of sex, honey, did you know that the largest brain imaging study of its kind finds some sex-specific patterns for men and women, but overall there seem to be more similarities than differences? The research paper raises interesting questions about how brain differences between the sexes can influence intelligence and behavior… For decades, brain scientists have noted that, on average, male brains tend to have a total brain volume slightly larger than females, even when corrected for larger average body size of males. But it has been notoriously difficult to pin down exactly which substructures within the brain are more or less bulky. Most studies have looked at relatively small sample sizes, typically fewer than 100 brains, making it impossible to draw large-scale conclusions… In a recent new study, a team of researchers led by psychologist Stuart Ritchie, a postdoctoral fellow at the University of Edinburgh, he drew on data from the UK Biobank, an ongoing long-term biomedical study of people living in the UK with 500,000 enrolled. A subset of those enrolled in the study underwent brain scans using MRI. In 2,750 women and 2,466 men ages 44 to 77, Ritchie and colleagues examined the volumes of 68 regions within the brain, as well as the thickness of the cerebral cortex, the wrinkled outer layer of the brain thought to be important in consciousness. , language and memory. , perception and other functions…
What? Are you saying you want us to have sex? Oh, I need to study a lot more before I dare to put that precious knowledge into practice. I will simply go into seclusion again and continue my investigation.
The antidote for the thinker: Take part. Practice what you have learned. Start dancing all the steps you keep reading and researching about. Interact less with books and more with people. We like you even though you act like a snob (and no, we don’t usually care about all the “cool” facts you keep sharing). Just come and play with us, we don’t bite.
The devil’s lawyer
Saying: Honey, why do you suddenly want to try a new restaurant, after we’ve been going to the same one for 5 years? What if the food is not good and we get food poisoning? What if there is too much noise? What if it’s too cold inside? Ah, I know… you fell in love with a waiter there! Have you been cheating on me? Why can’t we be loyal to our restaurant? Why can’t you be loyal to me? I am totally loyal and dedicated to you!
Thought: I feel so insecure knowing that you want to change. You don’t always change things for me… But it’s okay, I love you and I’ll follow you to that restaurant (and to the end of the world, if necessary). I just need a little time to prepare for any unforeseen circumstances.
The antidote for devil’s advocate: Be aware of your paranoia. Be more confident and stop trying to predict what could go wrong every step of the way. Accept change and surprises as something positive. Embrace the new.
the fun lover
Saying: Honey, let’s all get together and have an orgy!
Thought: I love you so much that I want to share all the fun experiences with you and I want you to have fun with me. Also, I get bored with uniformity so quickly that I can barely stay with you unless we mix things up a bit (well, a lot!) so I can feel excited and alive. I must try everything! I just don’t want to miss out on anything.
The antidote for fun lovers: Commit to and delve into one thing. Avoid overcommitting, overdrinking, overeating, and overspending. Don’t be narcissistic. Start reading books instead. Yes, we know you hate reading, but the things you hate the most are good for you. Pick something and stick with it.
the male
Saying: Honey, when I fight with you and start screaming, please don’t run away to hide. I hope you defend yourself! Oh, my anger scares you and you think you’re in danger around me? But I’m here to protect you! I had no idea that you found me dominating and dominating. I’m just being overprotective (and would fight anyone else who tries to hurt you). I’m certainly not raping you, that’s how I make love.”
The antidote for the male: Take a deep breath and use half the strength and lust you normally use. Don’t be afraid to show at least some of the vulnerability inside you that you’re desperately trying to cover up.
the simple
Saying: Sure, honey, anything you say and want is fine with me (as long as there’s no conflict). Not rush.
Thought: I’ve already lowered my expectations anyway (so I don’t get disappointed and go after what I want in case I need to be assertive, make decisions and, God forbid, create conflict). I’m not even sure what I want anymore (let alone articulate or pursue it), so sure, I’ll follow through. However, ask me one more time (and again!) what I want because if you continue to ignore me and my needs (of which I myself have no idea), my anger will continue to build and will eventually explode at the least expected moment. expected.
The antidote for the carefree: Wake up to your own life. Present yourself, your needs and desires, and learn to express them despite possible differences in opinions and desires. Get off the couch and start doing the things that will help you and only you. And please hurry up: time flies despite your perception that all is still and that you will live another 200 years.
