I Thought I Wanted To Divorce My Husband But I Miss Him: Tips And Tricks That May Help
I receive many emails from women who have questions or concerns about going forward with their divorce. Many thought they were okay with the divorce or even wanted it, but now that her husband isn’t around as much and reality is starting to set in, so do the doubts. I often have people say things like, “Should I tell him I miss him or just admit it’s too late?” or “Are these feelings normal just because the divorce is so final? Will they eventually go away?”
Well, I can’t see into the future, but I can tell you that whenever you’re in doubt and the nagging little voice in the back of your mind starts whispering to you, it certainly wouldn’t hurt to be open to the idea of listening. Because discomfort and discomfort do not usually occur when you are completely satisfied and at peace with the current situation. Sure, divorce is a grand finale with huge repercussions. You wouldn’t be normal if you didn’t feel uncomfortable. But missing your husband (and suspecting that you might want him back) is a very different thing. I will discuss this more in the next article.
Distance can really make the heart grow People often don’t believe me when I tell them that time and distance can improve a relationship. So when people write to me and say their spouse “wants space,” I usually tell them to give it to them. Because doing so allows your spouse the opportunity to miss you. Silence and calm allow for a more rational train of thought. Anger and tension subside because there is no longer anyone to relate to, and the loneliness can allow both parties to look objectively at the situation (and whatever part he or she may have played in it). So know that it’s actually quite common to see the situation differently once you’ve had a bit of time and distance.
Just because I miss him doesn’t mean our problems will go away:I have to be honest, I am a big advocate of saving marriages. Even more so when one of the parties begins to experience old feelings or begins to recognize the emptiness that being without the other person has left. So I fully believe that if you have these feelings, you should at least be open to thinking a little bit more about where you want this to go instead of just closing the door.
But, when I say this to women, they often say things like, “Okay, I admit I miss you, but there are still a lot of problems in this marriage. Good intentions are one thing, but reality is another. It just can’t seem to work.” Yes, but today is a new day. It is quite possible that the time and distance I keep harping on have helped you see things in a new light. And, I’ll tell you a little secret, many times, people who are trying to save marriages put the cart before the horse.
Focusing on the feelings between you instead of trying to fix the problems right away: What I mean by “putting the cart before the horse” is that very often people will roll up their sleeves, grit their teeth, and commit to “working on marriages.” The problem with this is that by the time most people get to this point, they are disconnected, no longer deeply attached, and quite annoyed with each other. Working through your issues is hard, but working through them when you both don’t feel deep feelings of connection, affection, and intimacy is like trying to hit a moving target. This doesn’t sound like much fun.
Instead, I often tell people to try to restore some positive feelings between you first. Don’t even worry about trying to figure out where you’re headed or if you’re making up or getting back together. Don’t put this kind of pressure on yourself. Instead, just admit the fact that you miss him, tell him so if you decide to, and focus on spending some time together to see what happens. Don’t worry about what’s to come. Just know that this person is a very important factor in your life and you want to see if maybe spending some time together will shed light on the fact that things could change.
No need to have deep discussions about what went wrong. In fact, I would avoid this entirely. Just focus on light-hearted interactions that don’t allow for a lot of pressure but have the potential for a lot of fun. You’re trying to see if there’s any chance of a baby stepping up. Let one encounter build on the other. Under this scenario, it shouldn’t take long for it to be pretty clear where she stands. But at least consider the possibility that, at the end of the day, you will know that she did everything she could and did not ignore the feelings that are desperately trying to get her attention.
