Marriage after infidelity: being truly validated and heard

In a marriage after infidelity it is important to continue collecting.

By accusing I mean continually addressing issues that are extremely important to building deeper and richer intimacy, understanding, and ability to listen and be heard.

He does it in a neutral way: he doesn’t react, he doesn’t explode, he doesn’t start out passively aggressive, he doesn’t have a continuous need to explain, he doesn’t defend.

It’s an ability I call neutral charging.

Below is a case study where the woman thinks she is charging in neutral, but there is not enough charge in neutral.

Read what it says:

I am, by nature, a somewhat passionate communicator. (I am a teacher and inspirational speaker.) I love my life and enthusiastically enter into verbal conquests with my friends who enjoy stimulation and see me as a talented and compassionate person. In my marriage, this basic quality of my personality has been repeatedly invalidated. So now I can see that the only way to communicate peacefully is to act against my own nature most of the time (aka walking on eggshells …). This is a huge amount of work and I’m not sure it’s gotten better. a lot of. I often walk away feeling dejected, with my concerns trivialized. The infidelity ended three years ago and there is still no sign of empathy and our widespread communication remains poor. Neutral charging is a welcome tool, but I think there are many other serious issues that still need to be addressed. The other problem is that there is no agreement for the cheater to get the in-depth advice needed to deal with the narcissistic tendencies and denial that abound. It seems easier for this person to project guilt than to recognize the depth of responsibility that exists when one chooses to leave the marriage for a relationship (a two-year embedded affair after at least one known emotional affair). Right now, I stay in the shadows most of the time trying to keep the peace and show love to my teenage children.

Here are some comments on your situation and neutral charge:

1. Charging neutral is not being passive, it is not burying yourself or staying in the shadows.

2. She is right. There appear to be underlying issues of control, power, and personal protection.

3. You are very afraid of guilt and criticism, and who would not be after splashing in the mud and mud of an adventure.

4. Neutral charging is a compromise between being sweet and pleasant and reacting angrily with little control of words and actions.

5. Charging neutral means stating one’s position clearly and unapologetically and with inner calm. (Easier said than done!)

6. Let me put a few words in your mouth that might prompt you to use the neutral charge ability very powerfully:

I am a passionate person. Others have affirmed me. I would like to be affirmed in an intimate relationship with a man.

I will continue to express myself with passion. That is a big part of who I am. My intention is not to overwhelm or criticize you. I just want to expose my position and what is important to me in a passionate way.

I think at one point you loved my passion, didn’t you? Remember? I remember feeling loved and accepted by you, especially when I am passionate. I wonder what happened?

I don’t like walking on eggshells. And that’s how I feel most of the time. I hate it. I want to feel free with you. I feel this tension when I am near you. Sometimes I wonder what it will take to change that. (I wonder what is in me that is afraid of you).

Perhaps, I am afraid that what I say will be criticized. I hate that feeling I have then. My stomach churns, I feel like crawling. My self esteem has taken a big hit and I have struggled with it. It’s time for you to start believing in me. (You better be careful, man!)

I’m not sure how long I will be able to continue living this way. At some point, and I’m not sure when, I will draw a line or something will happen that will draw it. I will NOT live like this forever.

I wonder why it is so important that you blame me. I wonder what scares you? I wonder why you hold on to yourself so tightly …

Yes, there is a charge on neutral cargo. That burden often creates movement, clarification, release, and relief from pent-up feelings and lingering thoughts.

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