My husband is polite, but formal with me while we are in a trial separation

Sometimes I hear from wives who are disappointed in their husband’s behavior during the separation. It’s not that your husband is rude or disrespectful. He is often being relatively polite. But his attitude often feels staged and forced. And, she doesn’t feel like there are feelings of love behind it.

I heard from a wife who said; “We’ve been apart for about five weeks. This happened at the behest of my husband. He knows I want to save our marriage. He knows I’d like counseling. He knows I want us to date or meet regularly. But he seems to keep his distance from me. Sure, he’s cordial. I have to admit. He’s always courteous and never says or does mean things. His distance is more of a vibe I have. And he’s not fond of me one bit, he’s cordial to me as a customer or an acquaintance, but He doesn’t love me like I’m his wife, but I don’t know how to make him act the way I want to act. It’s not like I can complain about how he’s treating me because he’s almost too polite. What can I do?

This is a tricky situation because often if you start to question an estranged spouse’s behavior or ask for more, he will become defensive or withdraw. As a result, you may see it much less or find that your liberal access to it is now denied. And if you want to save her marriage, this is a scenario you really can’t afford.

But you’re right that intimacy with him needs to improve if you want to move forward with your marriage. This certainly isn’t impossible, but you need to do it in a positive way that doesn’t feel like you’re pushing or nagging. I will discuss how to do this below.

If you want to get through it just by being friendly, it’s better to take the initiative instead of sounding judgmental or demanding: Many of the wives in this situation have a hard time not criticizing their husband for his behavior. They understandably want her to stop and think the quickest way to do it is to get her attention and ask her to do better.

Common comments are things like, “Why are you so formal? I’m not your acquaintance, I’m your wife. You act like I’m almost a stranger that you’re trying to keep at a distance.” While this statement may seem accurate (and may make you feel a little relieved after saying these words), it will usually just make your husband defensive or distant.

So, in my opinion and experience, you’re better off trying to bring him closer to you by trying to improve the relationship and then eventually breaking down his defensive walls however you can.

Understand that it is better to be polite than rude. You can work with Cortes: I know you may be feeling a little disappointed right now. But, you have to keep this in perspective. I hear from so many wives whose husbands are being very rude to them during the separation or not giving them access at all.

Even if your husband is a bit distant, he is still being polite. And this is a small plus. Because as long as this cooperation continues, you can slowly develop it until it gets better. Going from polite to loving and intimate is not a huge leap. But going from rude and aloof to caring certainly is. So try to see this for the advantage that it is.

If you want him to act differently around you, try to show him the behaviors you want to see in him: Instead of pointing out what he’s doing wrong and how his behavior disappoints you, know that you’ll often be better off if you can display the behaviors you want to see in him. Start acting with him as you would like him to act with you. Sometimes he will mirror you and you will have progressed without scolding yourself. Or, if he sees that you’re doing a little better, be sure to offer plenty of positive reinforcement and tell him that it feels good when the two of you relate to each other on positive but less formal terms.

Above all, take it easy. It’s very important that you don’t seem like you’re verbalizing your disappointment or criticizing him. Because if you do, you may find out next time that you are less than polite and this makes saving your marriage that much more difficult. But if you move slowly and accept smaller wins, you will be much more likely to allow more and more access, making this process much easier.