My In-Laws Are Ruining My Relationship – Advice From A Counselor

I often talk to young couples about the importance of “coming out and bonding,” in other words, leaving home and joining your new partner. Parting and joining is how the Bible describes leaving home and getting married. Making a clean break and building a separate space for the two of you is the main protection against intrusive or manipulative in-laws (especially fathers).

If problems have already developed, the principles of dealing with controlling people apply, i.e. let go of resentment, speak calmly, and don’t get into dead-end arguments. However, I also need to add some extra help for the nosy and manipulative in-laws thing.

Let’s say, for example, that you are the bride who is feeling pressure from her parents. Once she’s put the resentment aside and talked openly with her potential husband about her concerns, after that, I can’t tell her, for example, whether she should go ahead and get married or not. I’m not in your place, nor do I know your boyfriend or her parents. But with a clear, emotionless perspective, cleared by anger or resentment, you’ll be able to gather information, assess the situation, and do the right thing. Although I can’t give specific advice, I can give you some guidelines.

I am writing this article for young adults who are dealing with parents who are confused, manipulative, controlling, or even downright bossy. Other in-laws can also create problems for a marriage, but let’s be honest: the problem is usually with your partner’s parents. Everything I’ve said about letting go of resentment obviously applies when it comes to your partner’s parents.

In fact, if you feel like your own mom or dad, you will remain stuck in conformity and rebellion mode. Nor will you be able to treat your partner’s parents maturely. The past will continue to show up in all your future relationships. Unless you forgive your parents, you are destined to be like them or marry someone like them and then be to your children what they were to you. If you feel your parents, you will transfer this dysfunctional immature pattern of relating to your partner’s parents as well.

Please do not get me wrong. I’m not saying that all parents are confused, just most of them. I’m not saying that all families are dysfunctional, just most of them. That is why many readers appreciate this article, because I am addressing problems that they are dealing with.

If you’re like many people, you can relate to what I’m saying because you know some parents or in-laws who are confusing, nosy, or bossy. Also, many of us have parents who were good people and did the best they could; however, they failed us in some way, and we resent them. In fact, even if you had saintly parents, you probably would have resented them anyway (for not letting you get away with it, for example). So if they were decent but you judged them a little harshly, then letting go of the resentment still makes a lot of sense.

By letting go of resentment, your relationship with your parents will improve and you will be able to treat your new in-laws with grace and maturity.

Now that I’ve covered the importance of letting go of resentment, let me set out some more general guidelines. As a young person, it is good to start your own life. You cannot remain dependent on your parents forever, nor can you remain tied to them forever. You will not grow.

In order to grow, you need to go out on your own, earn a living, build a career, a family, and develop your skills.

When I see older children and a parent who are too close emotionally, I suspect that there is a codependent relationship based on resentment that has both of them trapped by guilt. The father is guilty of manipulating and suffocating the child. The adult child who has not left home is guilty of buried and repressed resentment. Neither is free to tell the truth, and neither has the love to set the other free. On the surface they are close, but it is due to guilt to cover layer upon layer of resentment.

This is not to say that a parent and child cannot be friends, respectful, and considerate of one another. Of course they can. It is a beautiful thing when a grown son has a noble and wise father to whom he can turn for advice and advice. But this is far from guilt and dependency.

I am saying that when a young person who should go out to start his life falls behind and clings to the parents in an entangling or dependent way, and they are too close emotionally, it is not good, especially if you are committed. or a newlywed.

Sometimes the best thing for the adult child is a parentectomy. What I want to say is: there is a moment to cut the threads of the apron. Even the parent birds will sooner or later push the baby bird out of the nest. He has to learn to fly, and no one can do it for him.

So if you’re having issues with your partner’s parents or in-laws, make sure you’ve both found independent space for your new marriage. Sometimes putting a lot of distance between you and them is the easy solution.

I heard a senior counselor on the radio say that one of the biggest problems troubling young married couples is the failure to “go and join.”

This is true for both the man and the lady. The lady’s exit from the house is a little easier because after meeting and getting engaged with her future husband, one day he takes her to his new home, takes her to the other side of the threshold and together they start a new life together.

If she is a little clingy with mom, then her husband, endowed with strength and wisdom, helps her through his love to feel safe with him.

But when the man is still tied to the threads of his mother’s apron, it does not bode well. He must have the vision to see this. As a husband or husband-to-be, he is the head of the family and he is supposed to become the Moses or George Washington of his family. He must have the wisdom to see that he must establish himself in a trade or business, become independent and separate from being too close to his parents. This does not mean that he still cannot respect and honor them. It is possible that one day he will even be able to help them when they are old. But as a young man, he must go and join his wife.

If he doesn’t, then there will be pressure on his wife to conform to her parents, continue the dependent relationship she still has, and resent him for his weakness.

Often the wife sees the problems of being too close more clearly than her husband. He is perhaps a dutiful son and does not realize the pressure and insecurity that her wife will feel when she is restricted in establishing her own home and feathering her own nest.

She instinctively sees the importance of independence, and while he should, he may not. If so, she will have to tell him in no uncertain terms.

If they are engaged and she sees that he is too close to her mother, for example, to the point that she rules and dominates his life, she will have to make her concerns known to him. If he can’t or won’t see the importance of becoming the man of the family, settling down in business, establishing a home, and setting some boundaries to protect his wife from nosy nosy relatives, she may have to draw a line. in the sand. or even terminate the engagement.

Another situation fraught with red flags is when you are not established in a trade or business. Whether he’s a student (or worse, the perennial student), used to someone’s handouts, or not working, these responsibilities need to be dealt with before she gives herself to him.

Of course, there are rare situations where you are only temporarily unemployed, finishing school, or at home while you work and save money; however, a young lady will have to use her best discernment with this guy. There are plenty of fish in the sea, as my mother used to say.

Long story short: married couples need a place they can call their own. It is not good when a partner is so close to his parents that they start to dominate his wife. This can ruin a marriage. She must talk to him about it, and he must go and join. She must be careful not to resent her husband or her parents or in-laws. She must remain calm, but speak for herself. If they are not yet married, she must have the wisdom to establish herself in a business or trade and not be dependent on her parents.