Matching behavioral expectations with young children’s cognitive abilities

Virtually all parents are interested in teaching their young children to be likeable, well-behaved people. Many of us have seen children in a grocery store or restaurant who seem to be out of control. They don’t comply with parental behavior requests and generally seem to have mastered the art of the proverbial “little monster.” There is a certain fame attached to the “terrible twos”, and it would seem that such fame is, in many cases, well deserved. In short, and to be completely honest, there are plenty of little kids, ages 2-6, who make life hell for their parents.

Also, they don’t do much for other people either. An unruly child can make the people sitting at the next table or in the pew behind the child wish they had skipped dinner or skipped church that Sunday. The problem is further complicated when parents need a babysitter. They may soon discover that their child has earned quite a reputation and that getting child care is next to impossible. In that case, the parents are unable to take a much-needed break from little Danny or Lucy, which only compounds their sense of frustration. Such children and their behavior eventually begin to affect the relationship between parents. What is there to do?

Perhaps a good place to start is to try to get a “picture” of how young children think. When we can find a window into their cognitive processes, we can tailor our behavioral expectations and discipline methods to match the child’s cognitive processing. Where could we find that window into children’s thought processes and glimpse how they see the world? One place to look is through the lens of Jean Piaget’s long-accepted views. What perspective could Piaget offer?

In Piaget’s theory of stages of cognitive development, he identifies children from about 2 years to about 7 years of age who are in the preoperational thinking stage. Furthermore, he divides this stage into two sub-stages, the preconceptual substagespanning approximately age 2-4, and the transition Substage, covering approximately ages 5-7. Children are not just miniature adults or immature thinkers. According to Piaget, they think qualitatively differently from adults.

A main characteristic of preoperational children is that their thinking is basically egocentric. This is an effect of developmental factors and is normal for children of this period. Because of this, these children often seem self-centered, selfish, and rarely seem to see the world from another’s perspective. It is tempting for parents to moralize with their children, or punish their selfishness. I have heard countless fundamentalist Christian preachers and “psychologists” suggest punishment, often flogging, for selfishness. “Save the rod, pamper the child.” The problem here is that self-centeredness is not a form of willful disobedience. It is a way of thinking of children. Punishing them is not the answer.

So how can we get them to focus less on “me” and grow in respect and courtesy towards others? We know that children are imitative in many of their behaviors. There is a phenomenon known as social references who can help here. The concept of social referencing refers to how children’s socialization occurs whenever parents convey messages to their children about what is acceptable. This process is accomplished through example, through a parental “look” and through praise and rewards for appropriate social behavior.

As parents behave and speak politely to each other and to the child, and as they become more willing to respond to the child’s appropriate behavior, the child will be encouraged to act more appropriately. It has long been observed that the most effective and persistent behavior change is achieved by rewarding what is appropriate. It can take some time and can often feel like hard work. But the parent who places a child in “time out” until a nasty, selfish child acts appropriately, and then rewards the child with the attention he or she is seeking, will have much more impact than a parent who uses harsh punishment. Remember, since these children tend to be self-centered, something parents don’t want to create is a power struggle.

Fortunately, even though these young children are self-centered, they are always becoming more sociocentric in your thinking, especially as you move into the transitional substage of this preoperational thinking time. This means that they are always learning more about the world and how to live socially in it. This requires give and take. Parents need to be careful observers of their children and watch for these “teachable moments” when the child acts in a socially appropriate manner and be quick to reward such behavior.

There’s something to this idea of ​​being “caught in a good act.” When a child acts inappropriately, parents should be careful to address the behavior as unacceptable, not the child (“Hitting your brother is cruel and hurts him” instead of “You are cruel and mean”). However, the opposite is true of catching a child in a good act. In this case, you will want to make sure that you praise the child in a way that identify with his character (“You shared with Bobby because you’re a nice, kind girl.”)

Children move through childhood at their own pace. We cannot punish children because they are not at the level of development that we would like them to be. Forcing, or trying to force, development will only lead to more major problems down the road. However, if we observe, encourage, praise, and apply gentle discipline, we will go a long way toward raising happy children and creating happy parents.